Interview with God on the State of the Universe
–
by St. Stephen, writing for the God In The Abstract Review
(raw draft)
(raw draft)
Good
Morning God I am pleased that you were able to meet like this for I am sure
that a person … errr, a God, of your stature rather - must have many demands
and obligations to attend.
- and good morning to you Norvell. And as to my schedule, my wife thought it
best to work this interview in before the coming Apocalypse – or at least the
one in this version of the universe.
Well
God, I must say that in one quick answer you have already inundated my mind
with so many next questions that I have a hard time focusing – but let’s stay
simple for the time being – so you do keep a schedule, eh?
Well actually it is
Martha, my wife, which keeps it – she’s quite keen on that type of thing. Does it with that more modern papyrus and
quill thing. It’s so much better than
the early clay and stylus. And yes, I
know all about your computer stuff but what normal God would want to get stuck
in all that spam mail and virus thing.
We’ll stick with the papyrus for the rest of this time event. It has that nice ring of authenticity to it,
you know.
Hmmm! Martha is it? I thought that Mary was -
Oh, no no no. That was such a fortuitous thing. Martha and I can’t have children and me luckily
being all knowing knew that it wasn’t me.
But she agreed that I could try for a son if I found a suitable birth
mother. So I sent Gabe down here to scout things out because I was trying to
further that group of Israelites with their legends etc. – you know so that I
could get Christianity started – it’s part of my overall plan you know. And Mary being a teenager was quite excited
by what Gabe told her and agreed right away.
Holy
Cats – oops! I mean Wow!! So you being
all knowing know that it wasn’t Gabe, eh?
Strike that – and not me, hahaha, if you follow what I mean. So what did Jesus think about this when he
came home. Was he pissed – Oh Strike
that too. What did you think about
beforehand when you all knowingly knew that he would be crucified in the end?
I figured that if he was
only half a man – and I guess that is what he was really, eh? – what’s a little
pain for helping out your old man. I
mean he doesn’t live at home but we see
each other now and again – and you know I don’t make him go to those parallel
universes – he just does it for the fun of it, best as I can see – now that’s a
figurative comment for you isn’t it. No, actually I don’t like to dwell all
knowingly on those kind of things – let him live his own life.
Can
I intersperse something gross here God?
I don’t think it will make it into the Review but it’s something that
has bothered me ever since I was toilet trained – well maybe not that young but
you know (and of course you do, you sly all-knowing guy… err God that you are)
pretty darn young. Do you –
Yes! Yes! Yes! I do.
It’s one of the basic laws of life.
Energy source in – depleted source out.
Now can we get on to some serious stuff?
I might have eternity to spare but you don’t, St Stephen. And if I may interject a question of my own, where
do you come off from on this Saint thing you trot out everywhere?
Well
it was just a typing error you know! – and I liked it as a buzz kinda thing.
Typing error my ah…errrr,
my foot. You just joy in being a
smart-ass don’t you – and that’s a statement not a question. Now get on with the interview – I’m tempted
to say “my time is valuable”.
Real
quick, let me say I was just changing my facebook name – there are three
Stephens, me, my son and my grandson. So
even though I’m not a Senior I knew it would make identification more positive
so I typed Sr but my finger had hit the t instead of the r, and I did like
it. I said that already on FB so don’t
give me crap about it! OK! pleaseee!
Ok, just don’t fawn about
and start getting on your knees and wailing about forgiveness. I hate that
phony adoration stuff. Just treat me
like one of the crowd most of the time.
You can’t imagine how millennium after millennium of that bowing down
and licking my feet while you are secretly sinful as Hell both bores me to
tears but – as you so succinctly said it – it also pisses me off!
Right-on
God old boy. So let’s see here, just what
is your name? I know now that Mrs God is Martha but who are you – name-wise I
mean.
Well St Stephen as far as I can see –
and this is just a quote, mind you, from Wikipedia that I once read - as to how
you humans think about this, to wit:
“The nature of a holy name can be
described as either personal or attributive. In many cultures it is often
difficult to distinguish between the personal and the attributive names of God,
the two divisions necessarily shading into each other.”
So for now why don’t you just call me
Bob – that’s what the Canadians were once going to call one of their damn –
whoops! now it’s my turn to say strike that – northern territories I think.
